Reflecting Back on 2023

February 17, 2024 3 Comments

First off, I apologize if you have emailed me and I have yet to respond.  Please know that I am not ignoring you and will get back to you eventually.  I am okay; I'm just dealing with a lot right now.

I started working on a draft for this post the last week of December, but being it's nearing the end of February, I erased all of that so I could start over.

This morning as I sat and stared at my computer screen while trying to wake up enough to function, I went to Google and did a couple of searches. "taking control of my life" and "why am I irritated and angry all the time."  I always seem to be irritated these days and the instances in which I truly feel happy are few and far between.  Even my beloved gardening has become more of a chore and far removed from what a hobby should feel like.  My first dreaded thoughts of each day usually ponder what crazy, unexpected crap will keep me from being productive today.

The past year has been a blur of disappointments, frustration, unproductivity, stress, anxiety, and constant fatigue leading ultimately to a lack of motivation to do anything.  Which is a catch-22 because the more I DON'T get accomplished, the worse my stress and anxiety become, and then it becomes so overwhelming, I shut down and can't focus.  Sometimes I wonder if I have adult ADHD (minus the hyper part) because I pretty much have every symptom on the list.

I was originally going to list out everything that has happened, gone wrong, stressed me out, blah blah blah.  And then I realized that is part of the problem.  Focusing on all the negativity.  I also realized that I don't seem to have control over my life because I am too busy doing things that ultimately focus on what other people (or pets!) expect or will think.  All of my personal relationships, the work I do here for Fanta Productions, my gardening stuff, some of the projects I try working on around the house, and even my cats!

I have no real goals that I work towards for myself, except just trying to make it through each day.  I also have no boundaries with anything in my life.  I am a people pleaser, so it's hard for me to say no most times.  If someone wants to do something, I tend to say okay even though I should be doing other things to work towards a set of goals I have yet to truly define.  I am not talking strictly about romantic relationships, so don't read too much into this.  I even let my cats run all over me and dictate what I do.  (If you are on my Patreon, you know all about the cat stuff!)

A lot of personal changes happened during 2023, and I did not adjust as I should have to which I am paying a small price now.  The main takeaway for the past year is I must do some things differently. If I don't, I am going to end up diving head-first into that metaphorical mid-life crisis (if I'm not already there, and I'm too young for that shit! 😂).  I've already broken down into tears twice this week because of random bad/negative things that seem to happen to me constantly.  Like hitting my head on the microwave door the morning after an exceptionally frustrating day or slamming my hand in the garbage can lid when trying to replace the garbage bag.  I know, I know.  It seems so trivial, but when it's constant and you can't even put your pajama pants on without almost falling down, it makes you start to question your sanity - and why it feels like I'm being punished for something all the time.

I am terrible at prioritizing.  So instead of picking one or two things to work on and do well, I work on 10 things and do nothing well at all.  I have to let go of some a lot of things, one being my desire to make more money off of the gardening stuff.  I can't even take care of the shit I want to grow here in my own flower beds, so logically it would be a bad decision to dump valuable time, money, and resources into making it a small side business.  That is just one example.  I am trying to do too much, and it's time to let stuff go, prioritize, manage my time better, and set some actual goals.

I am already all too aware of how unavailable I am to everyone important in my life.  I don't feel like I'm a good daughter, girlfriend, friend, sister, or cat mama.  I am always working on something or doing something else and never seem to have the time wear all of those hats well.  I am also infinitely aware that precious things close to you can be taken without a moment's notice, and I do not want to live the rest of my life with a bunch of regrets and 'what-ifs.'

I know you must be wondering what this has to do with you.  I am not going anywhere if that is what you fear I'll say.  I will admit it's hard to do videos right now because I don't feel pretty anymore. I am the heaviest I've ever been, so clothes don't fit well anymore.  Boots are hard to come by because my calves are so big.  I can't walk well in heels anymore because of foot issues like possible plantar fasciitis and being so out of shape, I might very well twist my ankle and fall.  And other psychical issues are popping up, like spider veins on my legs and extremely dry, cracked heels.  Super sexy, right?!

I have decided to stop scheduling any shoots for the time being - with other models and for myself.  I really want to focus on getting everything caught up and edited.  I am still editing videos as far back as 2018.  That is SEVEN years ago.  SEVEN. 😲  And I probably have enough content to post one video every day for the next 4 years.  Don't worry, I will schedule shoots for customs again sooner than that.  I'm just saying I have a LOT to post, and I want to focus more attention on getting those videos up in the clip store also.

The only ones who will be able to get customs from me right now are the 4 in my "Ultimate Patron" tier that I have temporarily unpublished on Patreon for the time being.  They will continue to get a monthly 5-minute video.  If we were talking about a possible video behind the scenes while I wasn't on the schedule to film, I'm holding off for the time being.  If I can get my shit together a little more in the next couple weeks and find I have time (and all the cars aren't still broken from Shish's 2-week shoot with Vivian), I will touch base with you via email to see if you'd like to move forward.

For those wanting to know when I will be doing scheduled custom videos again, I am going to aim for mid-April, though I will be reducing the number of custom videos I take for each shoot (reluctantly) because I know that I ALWAYS underestimate how long it will take to get custom videos and pictures done.  Most of my shoots in 2023 usually ended with unfinished customs, and I'd rather not do that this year.  By taking fewer for each shoot day, when you order a video in the future, you'll know the video/pictures will get done on that day - barring there aren't any issues that prevent the scheduled shoot from happening entirely (like weather-related stuff or sickness).  Lately, I don't feel like the awesome, fantastic, customer-oriented fetish model I used to be, and I apologize for being off my game this past year.

In addition to wanting to get caught up on editing all of the general videos I've filmed with myself and other models, I want to work on getting more content up for my Patreon patrons.  Some of them have been there, supporting me, for years, without question and with such loyalty.  Realistically, they are the reason I am still doing fetish content right now, and I don't feel I show them quite enough appreciation.

To summarize what is being affected with Fanta Productions, I am not scheduling any shoots for at least 2 months.  I plan to put more time and effort into the content I post on Patreon (which will eventually move to my scarletwinters.com domain sometime this year).  I want to focus on getting videos posted here in the video/clip store and get caught up on editing the last 7 year's worth of content.  Additionally, I plan to start making more time to cook and eat healthier and start incorporating some small exercising into the mix.  Maybe later this year I won't feel like I'm dying every time I have to change a car battery that goes dead. 😂  Honestly, it's hard to believe I used to teach Zumba 3-4 times a week 5 years ago!

I think that's everything right now.  It has literally taken me 8 hours to type this out due to numerous interruptions and trying to decide how much to put out there and how to put into words what I am trying to say.  It's a good first step towards figuring out some of the goals to work towards.

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